1. Write a blog. Topic? Whatever...
2. Publicise it amongst friends whom you consider open and tolerant of your eccentricities.
3. Get disappointed when barely anyone registers.
4. Remind close friends and loved ones that they have not become followers yet.
5. Listen to their pathetic excuses and bold-faced lies ad nauseaum ad infinitum - "...Oh, man, the internet connection was REALLY bad..." and "... I wanted to, but forgot the url, What was it again...?" and "...What is a blog?..."
6. Repeat step 7 again and again.
7. Resort to emotional blackmail.."It was you who told me that I should blog my ideas and thoughts."
8. Hear him/her reply, "Yes, Taufiq. But I didn't know how dull your writing could be. Please stop."
Well, I shan't stop. In fact, with a late introduction, please allow me to recommend my 2nd ignored blog, called The Sinners Almanac, which is clickable on the picture. Its all about sinners and sinning. Dirty as porn and delightful as poetry. For the discerning mind, much like you, my intelligent and oh-so good-looking readers.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
How To ... REDUCE THE RELEVANCE OF PARLIAMENT
1. Propose to shift the Parliament to Putrajaya.
2. Ignore the fact that if anyone(not naming any country here!) wants to disable the government of the country, they can just hit one single target. Wipe the slate clean. Year Zero for Malaysia.
3. Propose to relocate the country's No.1 elected representative assembly into the Putrajaya International Convention Centre.
4. Ignore my view that the PICC is, as a parliment building, hideous. Come on... look at it. Out-of-the-world-ugly. A building only a Martian could love. It is the Alien Mother Ship.
5.Ignore history. Ignore heritage. Ignore good taste. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.
6. And with the exile of the Parliament to the hinterlands, away from the bustle and vitality of Kuala Lumpur, you can finally ignore the citizens of the country's capital. The biggest and most metropolitan city in Malaysia. Come on. Admit it. You never really liked us.
7. Ignore the objections of MPs who rather keep the Parliament as is. But in the long run, they are likely to follow their political antenna.
8. Ignore the view that a parliament should always be within immediate reach of the populace. Much easier for the masses to lay seige and storm the place. This is good. Keeps our politicians (whether they are Jedis or Siths) on their toes. Or maybe this is their reason? See step 6.
9. Do it. Come on. Why wait for the viability report. The fact you are even considering this proposal seriously is the best joke of the month. Well, not counting the French soccer team, that is.
How To ... GET FOLLOWERS FOR YOUR BLOG
1. Write a blog. Topic? Whatever...
2. Publicise it amongst friends whom you consider open and tolerant of your eccentricities.
3. Get disappointed when barely anyone registers.
4. Remind close friends and loved ones that they have not become followers yet.
5. Listen to their pathetic excuses and bold-faced lies ad nauseaum ad infinitum - "...Oh, man, the internet connection was REALLY bad..." and "... I wanted to, but forgot the url, What was it again...?" and "...What is a blog?..."
6. Repeat step 7 again and again.
7. Resort to emotional blackmail.."It was you who told me that I should blog my ideas and thoughts."
8. Hear him/her reply, "Yes, Taufiq. But I didn't know how dull your writing could be. Please stop."
Well, I shan't stop. In fact, with a late introduction, please allow me to recommend my 2nd ignored blog, called The Sinners Almanac, which is clickable on the picture. Its all about sinners and sinning. Dirty as porn and delightful as poetry. For the discerning mind, much like you, my intelligent and oh-so good-looking readers.
2. Publicise it amongst friends whom you consider open and tolerant of your eccentricities.
3. Get disappointed when barely anyone registers.
4. Remind close friends and loved ones that they have not become followers yet.
5. Listen to their pathetic excuses and bold-faced lies ad nauseaum ad infinitum - "...Oh, man, the internet connection was REALLY bad..." and "... I wanted to, but forgot the url, What was it again...?" and "...What is a blog?..."
6. Repeat step 7 again and again.
7. Resort to emotional blackmail.."It was you who told me that I should blog my ideas and thoughts."
8. Hear him/her reply, "Yes, Taufiq. But I didn't know how dull your writing could be. Please stop."
Well, I shan't stop. In fact, with a late introduction, please allow me to recommend my 2nd ignored blog, called The Sinners Almanac, which is clickable on the picture. Its all about sinners and sinning. Dirty as porn and delightful as poetry. For the discerning mind, much like you, my intelligent and oh-so good-looking readers.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
How To ... LOSE AN ELECTION
1. Get elected into Federal / State Government.
1. Hire consultants to jive up your administration with 'an initiative'. Preferably with a catchy slogan and general enough so that no one can really criticize.
2. Opposition fails to land a shot because the slogan is successfully vague and politically-correct.
3. However, administration also fails to appear 'cutting edge' because the initiative is too grey and remains drifting in the peripheral consciousness of electorate. We however get a lot of signages. Leaders begins to believe own spin and thinks the nation-wide use of logos / symbols / soundbites of the initiative is reflective of majority support (or at least sympathies)
4. Grassroots blame Leaders for being unresponsive to their complaints.
5. Leaders blame grassroots for not being responsive to Leaders' initiatives.
6. Grassroots believe that Leaders are unconnected to the silent majority.
7. Leaders believe that Grassroots are the one unconnected to the silent majority.
8. Incumbent party calls for election one year before the end of its 5 year term.
9. Encumbent party OR opposition party wins.
10. Political malaise continues, because even though there is ALWAYS a WINNER, the nation as a whole has lost the election. Again.
11. Repeat process from step 1.
1. Hire consultants to jive up your administration with 'an initiative'. Preferably with a catchy slogan and general enough so that no one can really criticize.
2. Opposition fails to land a shot because the slogan is successfully vague and politically-correct.
3. However, administration also fails to appear 'cutting edge' because the initiative is too grey and remains drifting in the peripheral consciousness of electorate. We however get a lot of signages. Leaders begins to believe own spin and thinks the nation-wide use of logos / symbols / soundbites of the initiative is reflective of majority support (or at least sympathies)
4. Grassroots blame Leaders for being unresponsive to their complaints.
5. Leaders blame grassroots for not being responsive to Leaders' initiatives.
6. Grassroots believe that Leaders are unconnected to the silent majority.
7. Leaders believe that Grassroots are the one unconnected to the silent majority.
8. Incumbent party calls for election one year before the end of its 5 year term.
9. Encumbent party OR opposition party wins.
10. Political malaise continues, because even though there is ALWAYS a WINNER, the nation as a whole has lost the election. Again.
11. Repeat process from step 1.
Monday, June 14, 2010
How To ... RECOGNISE A 'SUFI'
How to recognise a ‘Sufi’(male)
1. Will answer yes and no to almost all questions.
2. Will not admit his pretensions of being a Sufi.
3. Able to appear humble and bragging at the same time.
4. Able to appear knowledgeable and ignorant at the same time.
5. Big fan of miswak.
6. Always wishes he carries sweets in his pocket 24/7. But never does.
7. Loves to listen.
8. Not so in love with obeying.
9. Big on ‘Kashaf’ (a technical term for gut feeling)
10. Loves women.
11. Loves perfume.
12. Suppose to love praying.
13. A connoisseur of good food.
14. A veritable vault of stories of the Prophets, Saints and Angels.
15. Not to mention some pretty indecent jokes.
16. Witty. Or at least he tries.
17. Generally concerned about his diet (but item 13 takes precedence).
18. Has a sentimental faith in human nature.
19. Has a pragmatic view of human failings.
There are more, I guess. Feel free to add. Hehehe.
1. Will answer yes and no to almost all questions.
2. Will not admit his pretensions of being a Sufi.
3. Able to appear humble and bragging at the same time.
4. Able to appear knowledgeable and ignorant at the same time.
5. Big fan of miswak.
6. Always wishes he carries sweets in his pocket 24/7. But never does.
7. Loves to listen.
8. Not so in love with obeying.
9. Big on ‘Kashaf’ (a technical term for gut feeling)
10. Loves women.
11. Loves perfume.
12. Suppose to love praying.
13. A connoisseur of good food.
14. A veritable vault of stories of the Prophets, Saints and Angels.
15. Not to mention some pretty indecent jokes.
16. Witty. Or at least he tries.
17. Generally concerned about his diet (but item 13 takes precedence).
18. Has a sentimental faith in human nature.
19. Has a pragmatic view of human failings.
There are more, I guess. Feel free to add. Hehehe.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
How To ... START YOUR OWN JIHADI MOVEMENT!
1. Misconstrue the term ‘Jihad’.
2. Find other like-minded imbeciles.
3. Set up a committee.
4. Call it the Supreme Committee.
5. Do not disclose it is a committee of imbeciles (Bad for recruitment).
6. Propose a name for the movement.
7. It must begin with “THE ARMY OF … (some suitable arabic word)”.
8. Set up a website to create fanbase.
9. Issue press statement to inform the world that there is a new kid on the block.
10. Email must begin with “… O’ Godless / Western / Dajjal / Satanic / Christian / Jewish / Zionist / Masonic / Illuminati (please cross out where not applicable) … Media”.
11. Set up ‘training camp’.
12. Shoot video of military training. Preferably poorly recorded and shaky.
13. Misuse religious hymns and songs as background music.
14. Post video on YouTube.
15. Find appropriate candidate for suicide bombing.
16. Preferably naïve and stupid. If no one can meet both criteria, pick the naïve one. Stupid candidates are liable to blow up your own HQ.
17. Act sad that you cannot be the one to do the job yourself because you are needed ‘to lead the movement’.
18. Repeat step 15 and onward.
2. Find other like-minded imbeciles.
3. Set up a committee.
4. Call it the Supreme Committee.
5. Do not disclose it is a committee of imbeciles (Bad for recruitment).
6. Propose a name for the movement.
7. It must begin with “THE ARMY OF … (some suitable arabic word)”.
8. Set up a website to create fanbase.
9. Issue press statement to inform the world that there is a new kid on the block.
10. Email must begin with “… O’ Godless / Western / Dajjal / Satanic / Christian / Jewish / Zionist / Masonic / Illuminati (please cross out where not applicable) … Media”.
11. Set up ‘training camp’.
12. Shoot video of military training. Preferably poorly recorded and shaky.
13. Misuse religious hymns and songs as background music.
14. Post video on YouTube.
15. Find appropriate candidate for suicide bombing.
16. Preferably naïve and stupid. If no one can meet both criteria, pick the naïve one. Stupid candidates are liable to blow up your own HQ.
17. Act sad that you cannot be the one to do the job yourself because you are needed ‘to lead the movement’.
18. Repeat step 15 and onward.
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