How To ... LOSE THE PR WAR! (or MASSAGE THE MESSAGE)

Dear MB Selangor and MACC,

1. Forget that people generally have a healthy respect of their own intelligence.

2. Forget that people normally use their intelligence to decide whether they like or dislike your organisation.

3. Look at your miserable polls and ratings. You cry.

3. Pick up the phone and call a PR consultant.

4. They will massage your ego, telling you that OBVIOUSLY you are competent, ethical and efficient! People just don't understand you. You are diagnosed as the OLDEST TEENAGER in the world.

5. Convinced by Dr. Spin to have a PR campaign, you now actually tell people that WE WILL CHANGE YOUR PERCEPTION.

6. How do you think joe public will react? Open their minds to your message or become even more suspicious?

7. So you pay the PR boys/girls to start the campaign. Websites, Facebook sites, Twitter, radio ads... blogs, etc. At least you now have ACTIVITY to compensate for your actual lack of success.

8. Finally, you wait in your comfy chair, twiddling your fat fingers. Waiting anxiously for your public perception to hit the stratosphere of popularity. The PR Witches jump back on their broomsticks, and cackle like banshees all the way to the bank.

And you say the people are naive.

How To Be ... MY MALAY LEADER!

I am a Malay and there is a great big leader-shaped hole in my heart. Can you be my leader? If you are not sure, run yourself through my own patented How To Be My Malay Leader, and see how you score.

1. Do you want to lead? If you are leading, where are you taking me? Into the next week? The next year? Next century? If you are not thinking at least 5 decades ahead, I am not interested.

2. Do you know where you are from? After all, to begin leading, you need to start somewhere. And to understand where you are now, you need to know how you got there in the first place. Too difficult a concept to understand? Then, forget it.

3. How do you score in history? See step 2 for relevance.

4. Too timid? Too afraid to hurt feelings? I am looking for someone with Ceasar-like qualities. Which means can you be a bit of a bastard? If you bleat like a sheep, maybe this is not the job for you. We are looking for Lions.

5. Age and refinement. Unless you have the intelligence and determination of Pitt the Younger, don't try it, boy. You know who you are.

6. How is your morality? Really, I am not looking for a saint. Who cares if you used to sow your oats far and wide. But do you have the energy to look after my children’s need if you are easily distracted by a bit of crumpet? Your call.

7. How are your manners? In this context, manners include customs and traditions of the Adab Melayu. Score poorly? Its okay if you are willing to learn, but at your age, can you change?

8. Principles. It is good to have principles, but if you can start with proper Adab, that is good to begin with.

9. How’s your sciences? I am not asking for Einstein, but basic knowledge of the combustion engine is a plus.

10. Rich or not? Its okay to have money, even to flaunt it a little is fine. But for God’s sake, have a little class. Some good taste. If you cannot trust yourself, find a decent designer. And please don’t go for the post-modernist minimalism so common nowadays. You are not Ozzies, are you? Even though you may have house(s) there. You know who you are.

11. Sexuality. This is a touchy subject. Successfully heterosexual must a minimum standard. Sorry, but Bung Mokhtar gotta be comfortable with you in the parliamentary showers.

12. Wife? To quote my buddy Julius, “Ceasar’s wife must be above suspicion.”

13. Take a look at yourself in the mirror. Are you fit? Do you have a mid-life paunch developing? I want a healthy and bouncy leader. You should be able to do 1km in 7 minutes.

14. Intelligence and wit. Mandatory requirement.

15. Must love the Malays. That goes without saying, doesn’t it? But these days, and looking at the current cadre… sigh, you cannot be too sure.

16. Charisma. That would pay dividend.

We are looking for genuine good leaders not because we believe in democracy, but in spite of democracy. Do you have what it takes to unite the Malays? If you think you do, cross the Rubicon. We are waiting.

p.s. Sorry for the Roman metaphors. Just finished reading Adrian Goldsworthy’s “CEASAR”. Sublime. That means “limau kasi kurang” in Latin.

How To ... BE A MALAY

1. Don’t read much.
2. Always play the victim.
3. Aim low.
4. Sell vote cheap.
5. Believe government propaganda.
6. Then believe opposition propaganda.
7. Listen to your leaders, however stupid they may be.
8. Don’t listen to opposing / alternative views.
9. Be politically inactive and watch the country crumble.
10. Be politically active. Then be naïve and fail. Or play the game and make a name/money... While watching the country crumble.
11. Ignore the teeming masses of Malays unable to save at all.
12. Allow banks to drown Malays in credit card debts.
13. Steal ideas from Malay businessmen.
14. Gerrymander the education system to leave Malays barely employable.
15. But send your children to private school.
16. Support Malay business by squeezing them for every pound of flesh that they can stand. Then squeeze some more.
17. Borrow money to spend, not expand.
18. Get a second wife.
19. Validate your life with conspicuous consumption.
20. Validate your life with conspicuous piety.
21. Get government contract / concession and sub it out.
22. Use religion to compensate your lack of success.
23. Stand eyes-wide open in awe, and watch as foreigners work like dogs to succeed in your own country.
24. Do nothing to improve your condition. But do a whole lot of envying.
25. Be the proverbial frog under the coconut shell.
26. Retain same frog-under-the-coconut-shell attitude. But now stand on top of the shell and shout it out to the world. So that everyone knows just how horribly ignorant, narrow-minded and intolerant you are.
27. Be a global citizen with global loyalty. Malaysia? Its just an address.
28. After doing all this, pour scorn on your own people and forget that you too are, alas, a Malay.

How To ... GET FOLLOWERS FOR YOUR BLOG

1. Write a blog. Topic? Whatever...
2. Publicise it amongst friends whom you consider open and tolerant of your eccentricities.
3. Get disappointed when barely anyone registers.
4. Remind close friends and loved ones that they have not become followers yet.
5. Listen to their pathetic excuses and bold-faced lies ad nauseaum ad infinitum - "...Oh, man, the internet connection was REALLY bad..." and "... I wanted to, but forgot the url, What was it again...?" and "...What is a blog?..."
6. Repeat step 7 again and again.
7. Resort to emotional blackmail.."It was you who told me that I should blog my ideas and thoughts."
8. Hear him/her reply, "Yes, Taufiq. But I didn't know how dull your writing could be. Please stop."

Well, I shan't stop. In fact, with a late introduction, please allow me to recommend my 2nd ignored blog, called The Sinners Almanac, which is clickable on the picture. Its all about sinners and sinning. Dirty as porn and delightful as poetry. For the discerning mind, much like you, my intelligent and oh-so good-looking readers.

How To ... REDUCE THE RELEVANCE OF PARLIAMENT

1. Propose to shift the Parliament to Putrajaya.

2. Ignore the fact that if anyone(not naming any country here!) wants to disable the government of the country, they can just hit one single target. Wipe the slate clean. Year Zero for Malaysia.

3. Propose to relocate the country's No.1 elected representative assembly into the Putrajaya International Convention Centre.

4. Ignore my view that the PICC is, as a parliment building, hideous. Come on... look at it. Out-of-the-world-ugly. A building only a Martian could love. It is the Alien Mother Ship.


5.Ignore history. Ignore heritage. Ignore good taste. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

6. And with the exile of the Parliament to the hinterlands, away from the bustle and vitality of Kuala Lumpur, you can finally ignore the citizens of the country's capital. The biggest and most metropolitan city in Malaysia. Come on. Admit it. You never really liked us.

7. Ignore the objections of MPs who rather keep the Parliament as is. But in the long run, they are likely to follow their political antenna.

8. Ignore the view that a parliament should always be within immediate reach of the populace. Much easier for the masses to lay seige and storm the place. This is good. Keeps our politicians (whether they are Jedis or Siths) on their toes. Or maybe this is their reason? See step 6.

9. Do it. Come on. Why wait for the viability report. The fact you are even considering this proposal seriously is the best joke of the month. Well, not counting the French soccer team, that is.

How To ... GET FOLLOWERS FOR YOUR BLOG

1. Write a blog. Topic? Whatever...
2. Publicise it amongst friends whom you consider open and tolerant of your eccentricities.
3. Get disappointed when barely anyone registers.
4. Remind close friends and loved ones that they have not become followers yet.
5. Listen to their pathetic excuses and bold-faced lies ad nauseaum ad infinitum - "...Oh, man, the internet connection was REALLY bad..." and "... I wanted to, but forgot the url, What was it again...?" and "...What is a blog?..."
6. Repeat step 7 again and again.
7. Resort to emotional blackmail.."It was you who told me that I should blog my ideas and thoughts."
8. Hear him/her reply, "Yes, Taufiq. But I didn't know how dull your writing could be. Please stop."

Well, I shan't stop. In fact, with a late introduction, please allow me to recommend my 2nd ignored blog, called The Sinners Almanac, which is clickable on the picture. Its all about sinners and sinning. Dirty as porn and delightful as poetry. For the discerning mind, much like you, my intelligent and oh-so good-looking readers.

How To ... LOSE AN ELECTION

1. Get elected into Federal / State Government.
1. Hire consultants to jive up your administration with 'an initiative'. Preferably with a catchy slogan and general enough so that no one can really criticize.
2. Opposition fails to land a shot because the slogan is successfully vague and politically-correct.
3. However, administration also fails to appear 'cutting edge' because the initiative is too grey and remains drifting in the peripheral consciousness of electorate. We however get a lot of signages. Leaders begins to believe own spin and thinks the nation-wide use of logos / symbols / soundbites of the initiative is reflective of majority support (or at least sympathies)
4. Grassroots blame Leaders for being unresponsive to their complaints.
5. Leaders blame grassroots for not being responsive to Leaders' initiatives.
6. Grassroots believe that Leaders are unconnected to the silent majority.
7. Leaders believe that Grassroots are the one unconnected to the silent majority.
8. Incumbent party calls for election one year before the end of its 5 year term.
9. Encumbent party OR opposition party wins.
10. Political malaise continues, because even though there is ALWAYS a WINNER, the nation as a whole has lost the election. Again.
11. Repeat process from step 1.

How To ... RECOGNISE A 'SUFI'

How to recognise a ‘Sufi’(male)

1. Will answer yes and no to almost all questions.
2. Will not admit his pretensions of being a Sufi.
3. Able to appear humble and bragging at the same time.
4. Able to appear knowledgeable and ignorant at the same time.
5. Big fan of miswak.
6. Always wishes he carries sweets in his pocket 24/7. But never does.
7. Loves to listen.
8. Not so in love with obeying.
9. Big on ‘Kashaf’ (a technical term for gut feeling)
10. Loves women.
11. Loves perfume.
12. Suppose to love praying.
13. A connoisseur of good food.
14. A veritable vault of stories of the Prophets, Saints and Angels.
15. Not to mention some pretty indecent jokes.
16. Witty. Or at least he tries.
17. Generally concerned about his diet (but item 13 takes precedence).
18. Has a sentimental faith in human nature.
19. Has a pragmatic view of human failings.

There are more, I guess. Feel free to add. Hehehe.

How To ... START YOUR OWN JIHADI MOVEMENT!

1. Misconstrue the term ‘Jihad’.
2. Find other like-minded imbeciles.
3. Set up a committee.
4. Call it the Supreme Committee.
5. Do not disclose it is a committee of imbeciles (Bad for recruitment).
6. Propose a name for the movement.
7. It must begin with “THE ARMY OF … (some suitable arabic word)”.
8. Set up a website to create fanbase.
9. Issue press statement to inform the world that there is a new kid on the block.
10. Email must begin with “… O’ Godless / Western / Dajjal / Satanic / Christian / Jewish / Zionist / Masonic / Illuminati (please cross out where not applicable) … Media”.
11. Set up ‘training camp’.
12. Shoot video of military training. Preferably poorly recorded and shaky.
13. Misuse religious hymns and songs as background music.
14. Post video on YouTube.
15. Find appropriate candidate for suicide bombing.
16. Preferably naïve and stupid. If no one can meet both criteria, pick the naïve one. Stupid candidates are liable to blow up your own HQ.
17. Act sad that you cannot be the one to do the job yourself because you are needed ‘to lead the movement’.
18. Repeat step 15 and onward.